nice to meet you.

i thought the agreement was that we would always be there for each other?  That no matter what happened, we cared for each other enough to hang on&help each other through things? To never turn our back on each other because people are brought into your life for a reason, and we should never betray that? Even when you showed no interest in being in my life, i’ve buckled&called you or messaged you.  I’ve tried to stay as close as possible even if it meant i would get hurt. when i had my surgery you came over&took care of me even though you shouldn’t have.  you held me&told me i’d be okay, even though i was hideous&disgusting.  i took that as a promise. no matter what, we would share that. the undying urge to take care of each other. the need to be a part of each others lives, and help each other through all this bullshit. to hear the words that came out of your mouth, the meaning was so clear. clarity, like the cycles of the moon or the slow decline of the temperature in november. but now, i wonder if it was all just for show.  everything’s blurred&i question my ability to trust people in every sense. the words sound wonderful when said, but if they can’t withstand simple youth, decision making, and just growing up, then they really meant nothing at all.

Today:

1 I just drove Paige home, while she was neck dropping, just so out of hand fucked up while Drake “Club Paradise” played across my radio. i don’t know why but the moment was just so damn peaceful. that twenty minutes i felt straight out of an 80’s movie. then somehow, god only knows honestly, but she sat up, slapped the power button on the radio&looked me right in the eyes. “You’re my bestfriend and I’m so sad I’m going to UofA because I don’t get to see you everyday. I would be dead if I didn’t have you as a bestfriend.”  I’m sure it was alcohol induced, and very overdramatic, but it really made me remember how much i love that bitch. we have so much fun together, and she’s always stood up for me &vice versa. i’m so thankful to have people like her to call my friends.

2 i saw his car today, and I honestly thought about picking up the biggest rock i could find&hurling every ounce of my anger into it. but what would that solve? my only solution to deal with things is to be angry.

3 Coldplay you dirty motherfuckers. i love you, but i really need a break. too much on my mind that you constantly bring up. my ipod shuffle thinks it’s funny to watch me suffer so it constantly spins it. ugh.

4 i’m adjusting to being alone. it’s odd really, to not have someone who truly knows you inside&out. it’s different from a bestfriend, to have someone to run home to&wrap your arms around. it’s not a bad thing, just really hard to adapt to. i know why people cling onto past relationships. they’re so comfortable. i think back on all the shit i went through just to end up alone again, and to think i have to go through it all again to find someone new is sickening in the least. 

5 change of scenery soon. lost of hours to put in at work. lots of things to get done.

6 i don’t feel like myself. but i haven’t for awhile. i thought graduating&moving on would help me find exactly what i’m looking for, but honestly i don’t think i even know exactly what that it.  you can’t ‘find’ yourself, until you know what you’re trying to find. i’m okay, i’m not happy. but who really is these days anyway? you make the most of what you run into&what you achieve. everything else is always so unpredictable.